


Written in the Stars

by mssticha



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-06-06 09:45:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6748756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mssticha/pseuds/mssticha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Normandy is en route to Ilos. The hours are torturous and Shepard needs to fill the time to keep her sanity. Now she has to decide - how much is she willing to risk? With possibly two careers on the line, what will she choose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

This was it: the final push. Everything they worked for and all they endured over the past few months led to this. Now the only thing standing between them and their target was the agonizingly long trip to Ilos. It would still be the better part of a day before they reached their destination, despite the fact they were on the most advanced ship available. Normally the downtime would be a welcome break but now... the wait was agonizing.

Reports lined every flat surface within the Normandy’s captain’s quarters, not that Shepard felt comfortable calling her room by that official title – especially now, after what they did to escape the Citadel. That was simply one thought among many she was desperate to keep at bay by any means possible, so she frantically picked up the nearest tablet and dove in. Rereading the dry material was a small distraction, but it was all she could muster to maintain a modicum of sanity. It didn’t help much. The info contained within every single OSD was ingrained in her brain and she could probably recite it backwards and forwards if prompted. She didn’t let that stop her, though. She needed to keep busy somehow and any other option would inevitably lead to more trouble. Besides, there was always a chance, however small, that she would find something she somehow missed before, some small piece of info that could make a difference. That was what she kept telling herself, anyway.

A light tap on the door broke the silence in the room. A slight, crooked smile danced across her lips for a fleeting moment before she pulled herself together and called out, "It's open.”

A soft _whoosh_ of the cabin door announced the new arrival. Shepard looked up from the screen, blinking several times to let her eyes adjust from the OSD’s dim light, but it was merely a formality. She already knew who graced her threshold. The familiar hum in the back of her mind announced his arrival before he even knocked. Nothing could’ve prepared her for what awaited her, though. The muscular silhouette practically filled the doorway, perfectly framed by the bright lights outside the cabin, and it was quite the sight.

"What brings you by, Alenko?" she asked casually, but there was warmth to her voice she wasn't expecting. Nerves and exhaustion had made her less careful than usual.

Back straight and head held high, Lieutenant Alenko was all business as he entered her quarters. If he noticed any change he had the good sense not to acknowledge it. A few strides later he came to rest on the other side of Shepard’s desk, one hand full of reports and the other balancing a heaping monstrosity of some sort. How he managed to knock was beyond her. He waited patiently for Shepard to clear a spot since his only other options were to biotically shove everything clear or simply stand with both hands full. Moments later the stack of tablets clattered and shifted as he set them down harder than necessary.

"I couldn't sleep," he shrugged, the movement little more than a slight jerk of one muscular shoulder, before continuing, "so I was just going over all these reports. I keep hoping I missed something." His eyes locked with hers for a second. Everything she felt, her fears, hopes, and everything she didn't dare voice, reflected back at her in that one moment. His features were tight, the tension obviously getting to him as well, but he managed a small grin. "I knew you’d still be up too so I figured I’d stop by so we could trade reports. Who knows? Maybe fresh eyes will find something." He reached back and grabbed a mug, presenting it with a flourish. "And I brought coffee."

"Oh my god, I love you!" The words left Shepard's lips before her mind caught up. In any other instance, with any other person, they’d be nothing more than a sentiment of appreciation for a kind thought. It was just somehow… different this time, though. She buried her face in the mug to hide the blush creeping up her cheeks, and that small action sent her senses overboard. The steam warmed her nose, the dark, robust scent softened by sugary vanilla undertones. She couldn’t resist the temptation a second longer. She closed her eyes and savored that first sip - the fact that it kept her from seeing his reaction was just an added bonus. The java ambrosia caressed her tongue, the hot coffee sweet and creamy just like she preferred on late nights. A soft moan filled her cup as the liquid dessert warmed her to the core.

 Alenko chuckled lightly. "You think that's good? It was just the warm-up; you haven't even seen what else I brought." With that, he produced a plate overflowing with goodies. "It’s hard to fit enough snacks for two biotics on one tray but I think I've got us covered for a few hours."

Shepard let the mug fall away from her face, her green eyes wide at the glorious sight of all her favorites piled together in one place. That was no accident; Alenko clearly paid attention, as nothing she loved was missing. Her stomach tightened as her mind dwelled on the implications of his thoughtfulness, but it was short-lived due to the more innate drive of hunger. A low grumble broke the silence, an audible reminder that she’d been too caught up in the task at hand to eat dinner.

Alenko’s warm, soft laughter filled the room. "Sounds like I'm just in time. Clearly someone needs to remind you to eat, so… eat." He pushed the tray closer to Shepard and sat back, a report in one hand and his own mug in the other, content to let Shepard eat her fill before he took a single bite.

Something about Alenko was distracting in the best way possible, his mere presence drawing her gaze like a moth to the flame. Shepard snuck quick glances over the OSD in her hand. Alenko's brow furrowed in concentration, the worry and stress visible on his features, and she had to fight the urge to reach out and smooth the creases away. Instead, she buried her face in another report.

They worked in amicable silence until the coffee was long gone, their empty mugs cold; the tray was spotless, without a single crumb marring its surface. Shepard finally broke the silence. "So, should we trade reports? Honestly, I've been over mine so many times I know them all by heart. I could use something new to look at." She extended her hand with the offering.

The solitary tablet breached the gap between them. Alenko returned the gesture in kind until both tablets filled this grey area between their personal spaces, yet he made no move to retrieve the other. Neither was completely willing to make the first move. It was a standoff. Shepard raised one eyebrow, a faint smile playing across her lips. “On the count of three?” she teased gently to break the tension, and was rewarded with a low chuckle. The momentary indecision was over. She reached out for the new report, purposefully aiming high enough to lightly brush his hand in the process. It was just a quick, innocent touch that she somehow couldn't resist; a simple need for human contact and nothing more. That’s what she told herself, at least. Electricity snapped between them, but it was nothing compared to the jolt of surprise that shot through her heart as his fingers danced across her extended hand as well.

Their eyes locked. There was a heat in that gaze that she never dared contemplate before.

Shepard’s heart beat in her throat as they held hands across her desk, the pretense of trading reports all but forgotten. The low hum that was always in the back of her head when they were near one another was now a beautiful harmony filling her body, their biotics making music only they could hear. Energy sparked along the small circles his thumb traced on her fingers. Both their hands shook, a sensation she found both endearing and exciting. This was it. They each only need take one step to breach the gap…

Three loud knocks broke the silence, the only warning before the door to Shepard's quarters slid open. Pressly strode in without invitation, his eyes eagerly taking in the scene. His look of triumph quickly gave way to a deep frown that hinted at some sort of disappointment.

Shepard looked up from her desk, a report in one hand and coffee mug in the other. "Can I help you, Pressly?" she asked as professionally as possible, her tired voice sharpened with a hint of warning. She kept an open door policy within reason, but nobody ever took advantage of it by walking in uninvited before now. This was not something she’d accept without good reason. _Somebody's hair better be on fire_.

Pressly's eyes darted between Shepard and Lieutenant Alenko, whose postures mirrored one another. She barely managed to get herself into a believable position before Pressly barged in, so it was a great relief to see Alenko followed her lead masterfully. Somehow they both managed to remain silent while scurrying like mice – more like teenagers caught in the act. The marine sat comfortably on the opposite side of the room with reports stacked next to him and one in his hand. Pressly shook his head slightly in disbelief.

Shepard chose to take that as an answer to her question, and she wasn't happy. "Is there a reason you barged into my quarters, then?" she demanded, the question direct and to the point.

The thinly veiled accusation snapped the navigator out of his shock. He took a moment to pull himself together. Slender hands smoothed his uniform, then he pulled his shoulders back to imply a confidence he lacked and present an air of authority he didn't quite possess. "I was just reporting in, ma'am." He saluted sharply as an afterthought and then cleared his throat self-consciously.

Shepard made the most of his pause. "That’s usually something that can wait a few seconds for an invitation. Keep that in mind for future reference." Her voice was cool and hard as her eyes narrowed sharply on the navigator.

The weight of her gaze was too much for him to maintain his haughty stance. He withered under the heat of her stare. "Yes, ma'am; sorry ma'am," he apologized, fidgeting nervously with his cufflinks. "I just came to tell you we’re running with the skeleton crew. We’re on course and schedule for arrival tomorrow and all essential staff have been briefed." The navigator stopped speaking, but his mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water as his eyes darted between the commander and the lieutenant. Neither of them moved, and the room sat in silence for a few beats. If he wanted to say more he thought better of it.

Shepard waited patiently to see how daring Pressly would be, but it was apparent he used all the gall he could muster with the initial intrusion. "Is that all?” she asked, daring him to say more. “Then you’re relieved of duty for the night. I recommend you take advantage of this time and get some much needed rest, as you’ll have the ship once we’re groundside. I need you at your best." Shepard held the Pressly’s gaze until he nodded, but he didn’t move. "Is there anything else?"

"Um… no, ma'am, that… that’s all," he stammered.

"Then you’re dismissed. Thank you." Shepard turned her attention to the tablet in her hand, a physical signal of her dismissal, and waited for the door to slide closed. Several seconds passed before the soft whoosh announced his departure. Shepard held a finger up as soon as the door closed, silencing Alenko before he could speak, and her eyes glued to her now-closed door. She cocked her head to one side, listening. She spoke after a pregnant pause while her hand continued to hold her companion silent. "Lieutenant, I have a question about this report. The load-out mentioned on the second page…"

The sentence died on her lips and her hand dropped into her lap. She pulled her eyes from the door and met Alenko's questioning gaze. "He was listening in at the door."

"I don't understand. Why was he listening? Why did he just barge in to begin with?" The barrage of questions was punctuated by Kaidan's dark brows knitting in confusion. This was behavior well outside the norm for the navigator to begin with. And such blatant disrespect was unheard of under Shepard’s command.

Shepard sighed heavily and set her props to the side. "Someone made accusations of fraternization. It was all anonymous, of course, but I had my suspicions. Apparently I was correct." She had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. The whole situation would be utterly ridiculous if it didn't have such potentially damning repercussions.

"Who's fraternizing?" Kaidan leaned in as he asked. The prospect of some juicy gossip apparently piqued the lieutenant's interest.

Shepard wouldn't meet his eyes. She busied herself straightening the stack of reports in front of her as she gathered her thoughts and chose her words carefully. "The accusation was brought to my attention by Admiral Hackett during our Virmire debrief." The weight of the words, the implications, and all the emotional pain they caused hung in the air. She glanced over at the now-mute lieutenant and found him standing mouth agape. It was obvious even in the soft glow of her room that his tan skin paled considerably with that revelation. Shepard picked at a callus on her finger, a nervous tick she never quite broke, as she continued. "I assured him the accusations were unfounded and furthermore, my actions on that mission were as by-the-book as you could get."

Shepard squared her shoulders and finally dared looked the lieutenant in the eye. This was serious and he needed see her confidence. "And I meant it. He agreed, but I could tell he wasn't fully convinced."

The weight of the situation caught up to her in that moment. Shepard dropped her head into her hands and rubbed her face wearily. "I assume Pressly thought he was going to get proof of his suspicions. _That's_ why he looked so disappointed. In fact…" Shepard pulled up a screen on her desk and tapped a few buttons. "His line’s engaged. I'd bet a week’s pay that he’s passing on his report. He isn't even trying to hide it; he wants me to know." Shepard closed down the window in disgust. "One little rumor and all respect goes flying out the airlock," she spat, the words bitter and foul in her mouth. She expected more from her crew… and more from herself.

The large stack of OSDs swayed as Shepard roughly grabbed a report from the top, her face suddenly dark."How did I let myself get into this?" she growled as she threw the tablet across the room. Sparks lit up the shadowy corner on impact, the screen flickering twice before going dark. "I promised myself I’d never let this happen," she barely whispered, but the words had a surprising power that stung to her very core. She turned away, the guilt too raw to share. Silence fell over the room as she contemplated everything. Alenko followed suit, patiently waiting for her to break the stillness. Seconds turned to minutes, but Shepard never moved.

"My mom has an excellent service record." She spoke with her back to Alenko, her words barely audible, yet they shattered the thick silence that had built up. It wasn't clear if she was speaking to him or herself until she spun around. "Do you know why she isn't an admiral?" Alenko blinked in confusion, but she didn't wait for an answer. "You're looking at it. She went out on an extended tour a young soldier and returned a mother-to-be. She tried to play it off that I was the product of shore leave but the math just didn't add up. They decided not to let it slide – to make an example of her. The powers-that-be offered leniency if she gave up my father, but she refused. As a result, they threw everything they could at her and that’s followed her for her entire career." The story spilled out of her, pent up for too long. He was the first person she ever told. Shepard stood tall, shoulders back and chin high in defiance of the lifetime of guilt she carried for this. The only other person in the room would never hold it against her, but that thought never crossed her mind until that very moment. His look of compassion softened her resolve, her anger, but she wasn't done. "Every once in awhile someone still offers her a big promotion with the caveat that she reveals my father in return. It’s usually someone who thinks they have it figured out. They want to take my father down a few notches and climb up in his place. They’re usually dead wrong, but my mother won't respond either way. And so she sits, well below the rank she deserves." Shepard walked over to her nightstand and began mindlessly rearranging everything. She had to keep herself busy.

"Hell, even Anderson fielded several inquiries once I was made Spectre. They were trying to get to me. He told them all how horrible they were for reminding me of my fatherless upbringing and said I was as clueless as they were." Shepard chuckled, but there was no mirth. "He finished each and every response with the reminder that any future questions of that nature would not be answered diplomatically and would most likely involve fists, either his or mine." She stopped talking for several moments and sat on the bed, lost in her own thoughts, gaze unfocused.

Kaidan leaned against the wall. His mouth opened and then closed silently; every thought that sprung to mind was silenced before they reached his lips, partially out of common sense but mostly because he respected her. He’d be as patient as she needed.

They held these positions, still as statues, for several minutes before she finally spoke again. "Anderson's a good man. He's always done his best to protect me – ever since I was a baby," she whispered, more to herself than for anyone else. She snapped out of her trance-like state with a hard blink and turned her attention to the man on the other side of the room. "Did you know there was a rumor that Anderson is actually my father? Can you believe it? Anyone with half a brain could see that isn't the case. Hell, a little digging would tell them he and my mom didn't even meet until I was walking. They all suck as investigators." A wry smile crossed her lips as she continued. "It still pops up every once in awhile. I like that one, though; it really gets people going. It helps throw everyone off the scent, too."

"So you do know who your father is, then?" Alenko finally voiced the question that had been eating at him since this conversation began. Well, it was part of the bigger question, but he knew better than to pry. If she knew who her father was, she would tell him when she was ready and not a moment sooner.

Shepard laughed bitterly. "Of course I know. I figured it out years before they actually told me. I let them _think_ I was clueless, but I knew. Anderson knew I figured it out, though. He always said I was too smart for my own good." A small, almost wistful smile played along her lips as she thought about her mentor and how much he meant to her, but her lips pulled down as her thoughts turned to darker territory once more. "I've already heard about the fraternization accusations from him – my father, I mean." She glanced in Alenko's direction, and then looked down at her hands, unwilling and unable to maintain eye contact any longer.

"He knew about them before I did?" Kaidan blurted out, the surprise evident. She merely nodded. "How? When was I going to find out?"

Shepard sighed heavily before she spoke. "Don't worry about the how. He has his ways. And I wasn't going to say anything to you because there was nothing _to_ say. They were baseless accusations," she explained wearily with a shrug. It was meant to be a light gesture but it was slow, burdened. "It wasn't a fun conversation, though. I got to hear how disappointed he was. Why do parents always pull that one out?" An almost child-like expression of exasperation slid across her features. "Then he went on about how my mom's sacrifice meant nothing to me if I refused to learn from their mistakes. I tried to tell him that nothing actually happened but he didn't believe me. He said I was compromised."

"Why didn't he believe you?" The question was soft, but there was heaviness behind it… as if the answer held the weight of the world.

"Because he knows me."

Kaidan crossed the room in two strides and crouched in front of Shepard. He was careful to leave space between them, to not touch her without invitation. She still wouldn't meet his eyes, so he squatted lower until she had no choice but to turn her head to avoid eye contact. She didn't turn away. "What do you mean by that?"

Shepard flinched. Emotions flittered across her face while she tried to look away, but he moved to maintain eye contact. A heavy blush crept up her neck as she shook her head. She had no intention of answering that question.

But he needed and answer – _they_ needed an answer – so he tried a different approach. He took a slow, steady breath and asked a different, but equally important question. "What is it you want – here, between us?"

Shepard’s heart pounded in her chest every bit as hard as on the battlefield. That was what this was after all – an emotional battlefield. If she wasn't careful, one or both of them would end up hurt. She shook her head. Once she answered that question there’d be no going back. He wasn't going to let this go without an answer though, and she knew it. "It doesn't matter what I want. There are strict regs and we’re both soldiers." She knew it wasn’t really an answer but she hoped it would be enough.

It wasn't.

"Fuck regs!" Kaidan exclaimed, and Shepard blinked in shock at his outburst, never expecting it from him. A slight blue swirl danced across his skin. In all their time together, after all the missions they’d shared, he’d never been this worked up. He took a deep breath, got himself under control, and continued. "I didn't ask about them and, quite frankly, they aren't my concern right now. I want to know what _you_ want. What you would want if none of that were part of the equation."

"But they are,” she replied automatically, distantly. She was going cold, disconnecting from her emotions to protect herself.

Kaidan shook his head, unwilling to let it go. "Fine, pretend we’re both civvies. We live a nice quiet life in some little backwater colony somewhere. And don't…" he held up a hand to stop her from interrupting as he continued. "Don't tell me that isn't the case. We both know that. So just answer the damn question."

Shepard knew she had to answer. He deserved that much at least. She took a deep, steadying breath to prepare. "If that were the case we wouldn't be having this conversation." She looked deep into his beautiful whisky colored eyes and admitted the truth they’d both avoided for so long. "We would've been together for a long time now. And we both know it."

He closed the gap between them in a heartbeat; his lips danced just above hers. Only her hand planted firmly in his chest kept them apart. Her palm tingled from the electricity arcing between them, both literal and figurative. The muscles in his chest rippled under his shirt, her fingers instinctively digging in slightly. His breath caught in a jagged gasp, hot on her lips. Shepard's attention was drawn to the rapid, deep thumping underneath her shaking palm. His heart was racing, keeping time with hers – a primitive, almost musical beat.

"Why stop this?" he whispered against her mouth. She licked her lips instinctively; her tongue accidentally brushed his mouth, eliciting a soft sigh. A jolt of surprise shivered down her spine; he was so close… She leaned back and shook her head to clear it, to regain some composure. She could barely think over the sound of his biotics harmonizing with her own. Her strength and resolve weakened by the second, so she pulled back to steel herself.

"I did learn from my parents' mistake," she explained softly. "I watched them sneak around my entire life, unable to publically be who they wanted and with whom they wanted. I watched my mom's career stall out so she couldn't reach the level she was destined to. And I won't do that to you... or let you do it to yourself. You deserve more." Unshed tears blurred her vision but she ignored them. She didn't dare blink lest the pool of tears spill over, and she refused to cry. Commander Shepard didn't cry… at least not in front of anyone else. Eyes wide, she continued.

"You’re too good a soldier to be dragged down by politics…" she quavered as she turned away from him, and he didn't have the heart to stop her. "…by me," she added in a whisper. The heat of his hand ghosted along her arm, never quite touching, and she ached for his touch but feared it in equal measure. The fear for him - for both of them - was like a rock in her gut. "Someone would find out, and in almost no time. People are already watching us uncomfortably close and that is without anything _to_ watch."

"So I put in a transfer request and we do this by the books." Kaidan's voice was tinged with desperation. He lightly cupped her chin and tried to turn her face back to his, but she refused. The combination of what he said and how he said it broke her heart. She couldn't bear to see it written across his face.

She shook her head until she found her voice. "We're a good team. I've never worked with anyone else who meshed so well with my style – my way of fighting. I don't want to lose that. It's precious to me." She took another deep breath to keep the tears at bay. This was the truth she even tried to deny herself… but she couldn't any longer. It had to be voiced. "And I would constantly worry about you. It would destroy me to know you were out there, somewhere in harm's way, and I could do nothing to protect you. At least this way I can do everything in my power to make sure you're safe." A bitter hiccup of a laugh escaped her throat. There it was. Her father was right all along. "And _that_ is why I'm compromised. That is exactly why those rules exist."

Shepard pulled away from Alenko completely, stood, and crossed the room. She needed distance for this. She couldn't continue with his warmth on her skin, his scent enveloping her, and his biotics vibrating to her very core. Everything was so much colder, darker, without him near her. A shiver ran through her body from the horrible combination of cold and dread. "I've already broken regs in my heart and mind. I can't allow myself to finish the job." She studied him from the corner of one eye, unable to face him.

Kaidan stood but he was no longer the strong, confident man she knew. His shoulders slumped and his head hung, barely obscuring the look on his handsome face. She’d done exactly what she desperately tried to avoid: break his heart. There was no way to undo this, to unsay everything that was exposed tonight. All she could do was try to be the commander to his lieutenant. They still had the mission before them and she couldn't let this affect it.

"You should get some rest. We have a big day ahead of us and I need you at your best," she spoke into to the wall. The big, strong commander was too weak to watch the man of her dreams walk out the door. She hugged her arms to herself and held her breath, waiting for the sound she dreaded most.

The doors whooshed closed quietly behind her.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard couldn't bear to turn around. She kept her back firmly to the door, unable to face the reality of everything that just transpired, unable to move. Everything was numb. Rapid, shallow breaths filled the sudden silence, the sound every bit as foreign as realization there was a man-shaped void in her heart. The dim quarters – hell, her very world, spun and tilted dangerously. She pressed one hand to her head, only vaguely aware of her skin’s cold, clammy nature in her desperation for stillness. Dizziness was to be expected –a broken heart could only manage a weak pulse, after all. She was in shock and there was no rational way to deny it. All the signs and symptoms were clear. A small part of her desperately clung to the belief it was all a bad dream and that’s why she felt so disconnected and haunted. Acknowledging the truth and facing the closed door would break that illusion. She couldn't do it. Not yet. She wasn't strong enough.

Everyone has their limits and she just found hers.

Standing there, alone in the silence, it was impossible to deny reality. There would be no waking up to a happily ever after. This was no dream and she knew it. Things didn’t work that way for her. The events of evening hit her full-force in that moment, the impact near-staggering. It took all her strength, everything she had, to send him away. It was through sheer stubbornness alone that she kept herself from turning around and begging him to stay. And now he was gone and she was left teetering on the edge, both emotionally and physically, but she managed to hang on for dear life until the very last second – until the door was closed with harsh finality. Of all the sounds she endured on a daily basis – all the gunfire, explosions, and screams of the wounded and dying, it was the quietest sound of all that undid her. That soft whoosh managed what all those other sounds could not, and the irony was not lost on her. A harsh laugh escaped her lips and shattered the silence, and it sounded suspiciously close to a sob. There was no denying the raw wounds now. Shepard's legs shook uncontrollably underneath her before finally giving way. She leaned heavily against the cabin wall, its metal cold and hard on her skin as she slid down, and landed with a thump on the floor.

The hard floor supported and grounded her, but the mild discomfort in her hips was not enough of a distraction. The darkness within was too welcoming, too deep to ignore. She pulled her knees under her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs, hugging herself so hard her knuckles blanched as she struggled to maintain control. The minimal energy required to keep her head upright was too much so she rested it against the wall and instantly regretted it. The electronics contained within the metallic panels hummed inside her mind in a pitch identical to the one she ached for. That low tone broke her heart all over again, but she didn't move. She hadn't the strength and she welcomed the pain it caused her, the small torture a penance for the harm she'd caused Kaidan through her carelessness. She’d been more than careless – she’d been reckless.

Not completely reckless, though. Sending Kaidan away was the only responsible action of this entire mess. She was protecting him from the vultures already aiming to take her down a notch or two by any means possible. He’d be the perfect target for them. Yes, she was a little concerned about herself as well, but not as much as one would expect. She was a Spectre, after all – the first human Spectre. The Alliance would never do anything to compromise their image so a scandal of this nature would be quietly swept under the rug. Well… her part in it would. The other party would not be so safe, though. It wasn’t fair, considering she was the superior officer in this equation, but she knew how things worked.

The truth was simple: this never should’ve happened in the first place. All this could’ve been avoided if she simply followed the rules. Fraternization regs were black and white, yet she chose to blur the lines and dance along the faint grey edges with confidence. Nobody ever made it past her thick defenses so she figured there’d be no harm. She’d been so wrong. They both had. Those rules were ingrained in all seasoned Alliance soldiers for a reason, and they were no exception. Both she and Alenko were Alliance, after all – at least they used to be. Hell, there was no way to tell if they were even a part of the Alliance now. Mutiny and theft of a state-of-the-art warship said they probably weren’t, especially since the human ambassador was attacked in the process. Of course, she didn't think of all this until it was too late. Second guessing her decision after it was all said and done accomplished nothing more than making her miserable… but there it was. Broken regs would be so far down the list of offenses the Alliance probably wouldn’t even notice, and that’s if they managed to survive.

That thought chased away the misery and replaced it with barely contained horror. It shook her to her core, her self-confidence immediately rattled. She sat frozen in place, contemplating the very real possibility that this was a one way ticket. And she sent away the only person willing to be at her side. She said so many things she regretted with all her being now that she actually considered they would be the last things she may ever get to say to him.

Wide, unseeing eyes stared across the room. She didn’t dare blink lest the tears spill over. Why did doing the right thing feel so very wrong? She let her mind wander, mentally exploring the way their lives would unfold from here if she _did_ manage to bring them both home. This was self-torture, perhaps a form of castigation for hurting him so deeply, but she couldn't stop it. They would finish this mission… then what? Even if they survived, even if she managed to convince him to stay and be part of her team, it wouldn't be the same. It would only be a matter of time before another woman caught his attention. Shepard would be forced to watch from afar as his kind thoughtfulness turned to another, as he presented this other woman with everything she needed and wanted, as he surrounded her with copious amounts of love and support. His gentle, dark eyes would follow someone else. His soft, crooked smile would be reserved for another… and there was not a damn thing Shepard could do or say about it. She was the one who pushed him away. The image of him walking into another woman's waiting arms danced before her wide eyes, courtesy of her traitorous mind.

A soft sob escaped her dry lips as that lone thought sent her heart careening over the edge into the darkest depths of her soul. She squeezed her eyes tight in a vain effort to wipe the image from her mind, but all she accomplished was finally releasing the tears. The dam broke, and there was nothing left to stay the tide. Solid rivulets ran down her pale cheeks as the tears flowed freely. She sat on the floor of her quarters, the low hum in her head intensifying and pushing her to the brink of a migraine, and finally allowed herself to cry.

A soft sound – little more than a tentative footfall – pulled her back into the moment. Someone was in her quarters. Much as a cornered wounded animal, Shepard's first instinct was to attack. Her hands balled into fists as biotics sprung to life, bathing her in a bright blue corona as she spun to face the intruder. What she saw stopped her cold.

"Kaidan?" Shepard whispered, afraid he was nothing more than a product of her imagination, a manifestation of her guilt.

Kaidan Alenko stood just out of reach, one hand extended hesitantly. Eyes wide, he let his hand drop limp at his side. The blue light danced across his haunted features before it died out completely, leaving only his silhouette visible in the sudden dimness.

"I… I couldn't do it," he admitted, voice strained. "I tried to leave but I couldn't walk through the door." He took another tentative step towards Shepard, prepared to back off at the first sign of resistance. There was none. He slowly lowered himself down next to her but avoided direct eye contact despite the darkness surrounding them, even though they were so close the energy sparked between them. He was afraid of what he may see. "I stood there with the door open and I… I just couldn't do it. I know why you said and did what you did, and I respect that. The thing is... I know what we’re facing tomorrow. We both do. And I… I don't want to have any regrets." He took a deep, shuddering breath as he absently rubbed his eyes with the back of one hand. "I just want… no, _need_ you to know this just in case things go south: I don't regret a single moment." He finally dared look up and desperately searched her face. "And I would gladly give up everything for just one more second."

Shepard bit her bottom lip hard enough to taste blood since that was the only way to choke back the sob gathering in her chest. There was nothing she could do to stop the fresh wave of tears rolling down her cheeks.

Panicked concern sprung to life on Alenko's handsome face. "No… oh no, don't cry. I didn't want to upset you more…" he sighed in exasperation. One strong hand reached out and began the futile task of wiping away the tears, guilt for their existence driving his desperate actions.

His callused fingers were surprisingly soft and gentle on her raw cheeks, which only weakened her more. She could no longer fight it. Shepard closed her eyes, nuzzled her cheek into his outstretched hand, and breathed deeply. The industrial soap did little to cover the familiar scent of gun oil, ozone, and the underlying hint of spice that was all him. It was clear in that instant. She was a lost cause. His touch warmed her, chasing away the darkness that took hold within while his scent enveloped her and kept her safe. With one more deep breath she opened her eyes and allowed herself to really study his features for the first time.

His cheek glistened slightly in the dim lighting, evidence of his own tears. A swell of emotions pushed her into action. She reached out, her hand trembling uncontrollably, and lightly wiped the moisture from one cheek. Her fingers traced the soft smooth skin, following the natural curve of his eye to the faint laugh lines just beginning to form. Aging never bothered her since it was far better than the alternative, but she suddenly saw it in a whole new light. Those lines were proof of all the joy, all the life he'd lived to that point, and it was incredibly alluring. She ached to make him smile just to see the slight crinkle. She pulled her hand down his cheek to wipe it dry. The shadow of a beard created a new, thrilling texture along her palm.

Her job half done, Shepard turned her gaze to the other side of Kaidan's face, still wet with tears. She reached out with confidence, eagerness. Her fingers traced along his high cheekbones and down his firm jaw line, wicking away the moisture in the process. He really was striking. If he hadn't been born a biotic and chosen a life in the military… well, the possibilities were endless. She had no problems imagining him as an actor or model; his features were that strong and handsome. He could be leading man material, especially with that voice. _That voice_ _could melt glass_ _._ One taste of freedom was all it took. Her hands wandered along his features, tracing every slope and plane as if they had a mind of their own and she was powerless to stop them. Yet it was the small imperfections that made him perfect to her. Her fingers smoothed across one masculine eyebrow, pausing over the small scars along the top. She rubbed them gently, desperate to know how they came to be.

Her hand ghosted over his straight nose and she momentarily wondered how it never lost its shape despite repeated breaks. She witnessed at least three occasions when it was broken, and was personally been responsible for one. To be fair, they both were responsible for that one. Their flirting taunts while they sparred grew increasingly bold until one particularly off-color remark distracted him at the most inopportune moment. Guilt made sure she suffered equally for that one. Her fingers hovered over the unblemished bridge of his nose, the image of the bloody gash nothing more than a scar in her mind. Her fingers slid down his face, landing on the edge of his mouth. His lips were so full, so inviting. She didn't dare touch them – not yet. She gently traced the small scars along the corner of his mouth. They were almost a mirror image of her scars. She lovingly cupped his chin with both hands as she slowly pulled her eyes away from his inviting mouth to look at him, really look at him.

Their eyes met, neither able to look away. The gaze was so intense Shepard suddenly felt bare, as if he could see through her very soul. The tenderness in his amber eyes said everything she wanted and needed to hear. Without looking away, he gently took one hand, placed a delicate kiss in her palm, and enclosed her hand in his. The intimacy of that one act reminded her of everything that was at stake.

Fear hit her like a ton of bricks. A violent tremor started at her core and vibrated outward. Within seconds she was shaking uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry. I overstepped my bounds." Crestfallen, Kaidan looked away. He pulled one hand gruffly across his neck, the nervous tick Shepard always found endearing, and refused to meet her eyes.

"No, not at all," she assured desperately as she cupped his chin once again, gently turning him back to face her. "It's just…" She sighed heavily, unsure how to explain. "Are we going to make it, Kaidan? Can I get us all through this?" Self-doubt settled in now that she let herself realize exactly what she stood to lose, leaving her terrified of this mission for the first time.

His features softened as she studied her while contemplating the question. "We're ready. You've already bested Saren before. And now you've taken most of his resources from him too. The geth aren’t anything new for us, either. What's one more time?" His voice was confident, strong. She knew he believed what he said. That wasn't her only concern, though.

"But what if I'm not fit to be a commander?" She could barely whisper the question, the fear underneath so strong. Kaidan's laugh erupted from nowhere and Shepard blinked in surprise, unsure if she should be angry or offended.

“Where’d that come from?” he chuckled. Then he caught the look on her face and closed his mouth with a snap, but his eyes continued to twinkle. He reached out as if to pull her into an embrace but stopped short so both hands rested on her upper arms, squeezing them encouragingly. "I've never seen a more devoted crew in my career. You inspire that in your people. That’s a trait only the best commanders possess." He smiled affectionately, little wrinkles forming at the corners of his eyes. "Hell, they stole a war ship for you…" he grinned as he leaned in, "and I think some of them even liked it," he finished with a conspiratorial whisper.

A wide smile spread across Shepard's face. He always knew just the right thing to say to make her feel better. A great weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and she felt ready to face everything ahead of her.

"There we go. That's what I wanted to see." Kaidan returned her smile. "So… now that you're feeling better..." He hesitated, unsure. "I should go." He squeezed one of her hands gently as a wistful smile played at the corners of his mouth, turned from her, and let her hand go.


	3. Chapter 3

Kaidan slowly rose to his feet in one fluid motion and Shepard took a moment to appreciate the show, confident it was all part of his plan. Muscles sculpted to perfection through years of hard work bunched seductively along his shoulders, back, and long legs as he twisted with the grace of a dancer. The way his body tensed as he gained his feet made her mouth dry and mind numb. The man certainly knew what he was doing. And whoever made those BDUs so well-fitting deserved a raise. The dark pants perfectly framed what was rapidly becoming one of her favorite body parts in the universe. Her eyes were drawn like a moth to the flame; her gaze lingered as he slowly rose to his full height then slowly climbed his toned physique to find him peeking over his shoulder, a self-satisfied grin firmly in place. He saw the whole thing. Of course he did. That was probably part of his plan.

Shepard grinned back, unapologetic, and shrugged. What could she say? The truth was she was beyond shame at this point. She laughed, really laughed, for the first time of the night when he shook his head lightly, feigning shock at her transgression. The tension was finally broken.

Kaidan watched her laugh, his eyes roaming over her features as if to commit every detail to memory, to save the moment for eternity. "Thanks Raiden. For everything."

One scarred eyebrow rose in surprise. That was the first time he ever said her first name, and it sounded perfect on his lips. A smile pulled at the edges of her mouth, but she kept her cool. "For the ego boost, you mean?"

"Well, that too," he chuckled, the corners of his eyes crinkling with the open smile.

Her heart did a summersault at the sight, her cool all but abandoned in that instant. She smiled up at him and offered her hand, the space between them suddenly too great to bear. The innocent gesture meant more than either of them let on. They were both keenly aware that they’d done this dance once before, their positions nearly identical to when he found her huddled against her locker when the Normandy was locked down – that golden moment that lead to his arms enveloping her, his lips hovering so close she could almost taste them. They were so close… then Joker happened. A month’s worth of emotions crammed into the hours since that moment, but that only made everything clear. Nothing would interrupt them this time. She shuddered in anticipation as he stared at the outstretched hand for a moment. Kaidan hesitantly took her hand in his and pulled her upright, but in a controlled manner that kept her at arm's length this time. "You don't have to thank me." Shepard waved him off, carrying on as if nothing happened in order to mask her disappointment. "It was my pleasure."

He smiled crookedly at her and gave her hand one more squeeze. With that, Kaidan turned and walked towards the door.

"Wait… You're actually leaving?" Her smile faltered as she mentally scrambled to catch up. "I don't understand." Her confusion was genuine, her voice saying more than her words could, but he didn't stop. The door slid open as if in slow motion, yet his silhouette disappeared rapidly into the bright outside light. He was mere steps away from the hall, and that short distance was the difference between happiness and regret. She surged forward and grabbed his hand before he could take that final step, before he disappeared into the night for good. A small spark of electricity arced between them as their hands touched. Despite the commonplace occurrence between biotics, they both reacted dramatically. He pulled his hand back and shook away the pain. Shepard gasped, but it was more than the shock that got to her.

He turned to face her just inside the door. Guilt soured her stomach as she studied his rugged features in the brighter light. His red-rimmed eyes were kind, yet guarded, the dark shadows forming underneath physical proof of the emotional wounds. He looked exhausted, abused, and miserable, and yet he was still beautiful.

"Kaidan, what's going on?" She rubbed her tired eyes and tucked her hair behind her ears self-consciously, if for no other reason than to keep her hands busy. Though her flaws were exposed in the light as well, vanity was not a concern. What mattered was that he seemed to struggle with an answer.

"I…" he faltered, unable to respond. He sighed and looked away, the moments stretching unbearably, before he finally turned back. "I couldn't leave because I didn't want to have any regrets. I had things that needed to be said, and I said them. I _stayed_ because it broke my heart to see you so upset, but now I know you're ok. _We're_ ok." He smiled affectionately as something flickered behind his gaze but it was gone too fast to identify. "It's just… I don't want you to have any regrets either." He took a deep cleansing breath as pulled his hand across the back of his neck. "Raiden, I have more control than almost any person I know. The thing is… I'm still just a man."

She stared at him, mouth open in confusion. _Control? Just a man? What did that have to do…?_ The heat of his gaze made it all click into place and she suddenly knew what he was saying, why he got up to leave so abruptly. He was leaving because he didn't trust himself to stay. "And you're afraid I’d regret it if we…" Heat sprung to her face instantly. She couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence despite the fact that they were both adults and this wasn't the first time around the block for either of them. Somehow this time was different, though. And it made her feel like an awkward school girl all over again, much to her chagrin.

He nodded. "You can't undo 'finishing the job', as you so eloquently put it." A hint of a smile played at the corner of his lips as he watched her carefully.

It all became clear in that instant. He always left a way out.

Raiden’s heart pounded in her chest, each beat so loud she could barely think over it, so hard he could probably hear it too. The time had come. The decision had to be made now, and there was no going back either way. She knew exactly what was at stake. On one hand she had the career that was all she knew, all she strived for. On the other was a wonderful man, a true friend, who found his way into her heart while they weren't looking. But was she willing to sacrifice everything for this? Because they both knew that was a possibility. She took a deep breath to gather herself. Who was she kidding? The answer was clear.

"The only regret I would have is letting you walk out that door." Her voice shook lightly as she spoke, but she managed to keep it from sounding as terrified as she was. He continued to watch her carefully, and she reflexively squirmed under his gaze. "I mean… unless that’s what you really want. Then you can leave at any time," she added hurriedly, struggling to hide the slight wince at her own awkwardness. That last bit was an embarrassing little asterisk to her honest admission but she wanted it to remain clear that their respective ranks were not a part of the discussion – there could be no mistaking that for an order. The ball was now firmly in his court.

He shook his head no, the bright light of the hall casting dark shadows across his face so his eyes were hidden _._ The door was still open, their quiet moment not nearly as private as planned. Her heart was already threatening to break through her chest so this startling realization did little more to affect her. It was embarrassing and potentially damning, but she would worry about that later.

The gap between them closed with a single tentative step. Cautious, careful not to actually touch, Shepard reached around him to hit the door. They both remained frozen in place awaiting the sudden dimness that meant the door was closed and there would be no witnesses. An expectant hush fell over the room as they both held their breath in anticipation. Finally, a quiet hiss signaled their freedom. It was funny how such a soft sound broke her heart less than an hour ago, and yet it sent thrills down her spine now. There was no reason to wait a moment longer. Long fingers delicately traced his strong jaw, thrilling in the feeling of his stubble on her palm as she guided his face closer to hers. Within moment they were as close as possible without actually touching.

"Stay here tonight. With me." The request was barely more than a husky whisper.

Kaidan's golden amber eyes locked onto hers as he leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together. He smiled shyly and swallowed hard before speaking. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She’d never been surer of anything in her life. The pressure of his head against hers, the feeling of his biotics tingling along her skin, was everything she’d hoped for. Their breath mingled in that small, shared space as they stared into one another’s eyes. But Kaidan’s eyes were a show unto themselves. A hint of blue fought to the surface, swirling around and merging with the warm amber as he slowly lost his battle to keep his biotics under control. Watching his struggle to keep himself in check elicited a primal response deep within her. She rushed forward, unable to deny herself another moment; her body melted into his, only the wall keeping them upright. Power surged outward as their lips met, filling the room with a haunting blue light visible even behind closed eyelids. Her power vibrated where their bodies met, the energy pulling and teasing against his. That finally sent Kaidan over the edge. His biotics flowed outward and blended seamlessly with hers until every corner and every surface was illuminated like midday. The harmony of their biotics created a symphony that filled her head, her entire body, until it was almost overwhelming.

Raiden pulled back, gasping for breath and eyes wide. The feeling of their energy flowing through one another was unlike anything she had experienced. It wasn't unpleasant at all, just intense. And that biotic flare was the brightest she’d ever seen. She looked around the room in wonder, amazed that the dark space was filled with bright light of their creation just moments earlier. That’s when the effects became clear. The arm lamp on her desk twisted at an odd angle, the light flickering in what were clearly its death throes, and sparks jumped from her night side clock. It was crazy one little kiss could do so much damage. It took several attempts before she caught her breath enough ask the question eating at the back of her mind.

"Is it always like that with other biotics?"

"No. Not by a long shot." Kaidan chucked, the sound a seductive rumble deep in his chest. "Of course, you’re one pretty powerful biotic… and I'm no slouch either. Not to brag." He grinned cheekily. "And there was a lot of build-up. I'm sure it had to go somewhere…"

"Shit, we aren't going to blow a hole in the hull, are we? Are we going to have to stay away from one another completely? Because I don't think I could explain why this fancy-ass ship got fried – especially if they trace the source to my room." The words fell from her mouth impossibly fast.

Kaidan smiled as he put a finger to her lips to silence her."Don't even think you're going to get away from me that easily. Not after all it took to get here." His smile was seductive and raw, and she felt herself melt a little on the spot.

Kaidan slowly approached Raiden again. The pace was seductive rather than tentative this time, and it took more control than she would ever admit to keep from lunging forward. He reached out and tucked her choppy red hair behind one ear as he leaned in again. Shepard instinctively pulled back; afraid they would set off some ship-wide power failure. "Relax, I have a few ideas," he whispered. She couldn't fight it; she let him close the distance.

The second their lips touched she could feel his biotics pull at hers, the power building inside her begging for release. She had control thanks to years of practice, but desire to let it loose was almost unbearable. The harmony started to build inside her yet again, pleading for her to surrender to the spell.

Kaidan's hand moved slowly through the tangles of her hair, inching ever closer to the nape of her neck. This snapped her back to reality and she stiffened as his destination became clear.

"Do you trust me?" His lips fluttered against hers as he spoke. The question was so simple, as was the answer. Of course she trusted him. She trusted him with her very life on a near daily basis. But there was a weight to this question. It had scary, yet thrilling consequences, and she knew it on an instinctive level. It didn't matter; the answer was always going to be yes. She nodded, her voice caught somewhere behind that huge lump in her throat comprised of fear and desire.

Kaidan watched her, his face a vision of open adoration, as one hand caressed the back of her neck and the other parted the hair at the base of her skull. Shepard used his shoulders for support to keep still and his eyes as an anchor to remain calm as his fingers touched her as no man had. He gently probed around until he found what he was looking for, and then smiled reassuringly.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes," she whispered.

Kaidan slowly turned the small dial on Raiden’s amp, just one notch at a time, releasing all the built-up energy back into her body. She shook uncontrollably in his arms, and it was only partially due to the reverse flow of power. She had never been so uninhibited with someone else before, and it thrilled and terrified her.

Fine wisps of blue and white danced along her skin, releasing harmlessly into the atmosphere without anything to harness them. She watched the ethereal dance with fascination, momentarily distracted by the raw beauty, before she looked back up with tears in her eyes.

Kaidan pulled her close, his eyes sparkling with emotions. "You're too stunning to be real," he whispered into her hair. She flared innocuously as she processed what he'd said, her heart aching for him. His biotics answered back, sparks biting against her skin.

She asked the question with her eyes, nothing more. She didn't have to speak. He answered with a soft smile.

Leaning against the wall for support, Raiden pulled her hands through the short wavy strands of Kaidan's hair, surprised at the softness. One hand kneaded the strong, taut muscles along his neck and shoulders as the other teasingly circled his amp. She could feel the muscles under her hand tense with every completed circle, the energy practically arcing from his body as she continued. A jagged gasp escaped his lips after the third stroke of her hand. It was time to finish the job, and there was no probing needed. Her fingers danced over the area, gently pulling against their target and to provide him the release he so desperately needed. A shuddering sigh escaped his lips as the bright blue corona surrounding him paled and softened.

"Are you okay?" Concern bubbled in her gut when his eyes remained closed. Adjusting his amp from memory was a mistake. What if she'd done something wrong, what if he was in shock? Panic danced along the edges of her mind when a satisfied hum finally rumbled through his muscular chest. That was clearly a yes, he was fine. She finally relaxed with shuddering sigh of relief and smiled contently to herself. Warmth spread throughout her as she watched the smoky swirls of energy dance along his tan skin, his body glimmering with otherworldly glow of unharnessed biotics. She savored every moment as she worked her way to his face, and his now-opened eyes. She'd been caught again, but there was no teasing, no self-satisfaction in his gaze this time, only tenderness. But he looked like something was concerning him, too.

"Before we go farther… are you… I mean, are we…" The way he struggled to find the right words was endearing, but he was clearly flustered. Fortunately for him, she knew where he was going.

"It's not an issue." She felt slightly guilty that she wasn't more direct with the answer but this didn't feel like the right time to discuss it further. That was a conversation for another time, if they got to that point. "We're good. There's nothing to worry about."

Kaidan straightened himself and moved close enough for their biotic swirls to mingle in a seductive dance. It was hypnotic and alluring all at once, drawing them out of any hesitation that remained. Their bodies slowly intertwined, mimicking the movements of their coronas.

Kaidan picked Raiden up and carried her to the bed… and she let him.


End file.
